A Chapter on Love Read online

  “What do you really want? Marce, what is your heart saying?”

  Marcy raised her head and looked at her with wet eyes.

  “I want to live like you do. I want to feel like a whole person, not a person split in two. The good daughter my parents see, the good straight girl who just hasn’t found the right man after her divorce, and the horny lesbian who trolls the bars in Provincetown and Ogunquit to let go. I want to be me. I want to go after this Amy with the crazy beautiful eyes and the voice that…Did you hear her voice? Did you see how beautiful she is? And…oh…” Marcy shook her head and sighed.

  “Your parents.”

  “My parents,” Marcy replied. “I can’t. I’ve lived like this for so long. I don’t know where to start. I’m afraid of what they will do, of how they’ll hurt me.”

  “What about one at a time? What if you told your mom? You told me you used to be close.” She leaned toward Marcy. “How much do you want to see Amy again?”

  “Dirty pool, Nick. That’s dirty pool.”

  “You know I’d never push you into anything. And I know we’ve had this conversation before. But I want to see you happy, and I’ve never seen the look on your face you had when you talked with Amy. I couldn’t take my eyes off the two of you.”

  “Maybe I could talk to Mom or at least start talking about something with her. We’ve grown so far apart. The part of me that isn’t terrified wants her to know who I am.”

  “I’ll be there for you. Whatever you need. Whatever you want,” Jannika said. She looked over Marcy’s shoulder and smiled as Amy walked into the café.

  “Thanks.” Marcy said. “What are you smiling about? Where’s our server?” She looked past Jannika, waved, and nodded for the check.

  “Amy’s here and she’s walking this way,” Jannika said.

  Amy smiled at Jannika.

  “Hi,” Amy said.

  “Hi again,” Marcy said. She stood and wiped her hands on her napkin.

  “I picked up a smoothie up front and saw you back here and…” Amy shifted her weight and took a step back. “Sorry I interrupted. I wanted to say hi again. Which is kind of silly because I met you about an hour ago.”

  “No, no, we were about to leave, and I’m glad you came over,” Marcy said.

  “You are?” Amy said.

  Jannika watched Marcy’s gaze travel over Amy.

  “Very glad,” Marcy said.

  “I’m looking forward to your phone call,” Amy said. She reached over and touched the cuff of Marcy’s jacket sleeve with one finger. Two kids ran past the booth, and Marcy and Amy both turned to face the booth, bumped shoulders, and laughed.

  “I think we might be blocking traffic,” Marcy said.

  “I have to run now anyway—I just wanted to say hello,” Amy said.

  “Who’s taking this check?” The skinny waitress waved their check in the air.

  “I’ll get it.” Jannika held out her hand.

  Jannika walked behind Marcy and Amy to the front of the café. She paid the check at the counter while Marcy and Amy talked behind her.

  “See ya,” Marcy said.

  “Can’t wait,” Amy replied. The door swung shut behind her.

  Marcy opened the door and held it for Jannika. Her eyes were still fixed on the retreating figure of Amy.

  “I have no idea what’s happening, but she’s too amazing to say no to, rule about local women or no rule. I’ll walk you back to the store, then I’m off to meet Dad,” Marcy said.

  As they passed Pusie’s Posies, Jannika pointed at bunches of flowers in the window. “I want to go into Pusie’s and pick out flowers for my date. I want to actually like my date. There was that one woman that I dated a few times. I liked her, but she went back to her ex. But I didn’t feel heartbroken. I was disappointed, I wanted to see where it went, but…you remember.”

  “I remember. I always thought you were trying to force that one. She sounded nice, but not your type. More my type, a party girl.”

  “I don’t know how you go out on all those dates.”

  “They’re not dates, that’s how, kiddo.” Marcy elbowed Jannika. “I’ve got to be careful, but you don’t. You can go out with anyone, anywhere.”

  “But I want it all, the whole package. I want the fireworks, someone who gets me, and someone who I’ll want to spend the rest of my life getting to know.” Jannika looked down at the brick sidewalk as they walked up the hill. She pushed her hands in her jacket pockets. “Silly, huh?”

  “And I thought my pool of fish was small.”

  “I’m serious.” Jannika stopped and looked at Marcy.

  “I know, sorry for joking. Tough subject matter for me. But I guess you can’t give up, right? If that’s what you want, then you can’t just stop dating, because how will you ever find your Ms. Whole Package?”

  “Maybe just a small break from dating, like you said.”

  “That’s the stuff. I’ll keep you posted about Marcy-world. Sorry about the disaster date last night, truly.”

  “And my meeting with Betty B this morning.” Jannika exaggerated a frown.

  “Ouch, been a rough twenty-four for you, my friend.”

  “But the Purple Tent meets tonight, so somehow it all balances out.” Jannika sighed and smiled.

  Chapter Four

  Lee picked up some fresh eggs and local bacon from a farm stand on the way home from an early morning meeting at Watt’s Lake State Park. She wanted to help the staff close up the park for the season. The campground was closed, but the park remained accessible to hikers, and then snowshoers and cross-country skiers during the winter. Her staff would leave next week and she wanted to get to know them now, before they reopened in the spring.

  She had the remaining ingredients for a frittata at home. Whenever she cooked, it reminded her of cooking in the big farm kitchen with her mom. Doing something physical always calmed her, and today she felt a bit jangled about going to the book group. Well, not the group itself, that was fine. She was looking for a way to meet people in the area and her friend Hannah had invited her to come along. But then Hannah had casually mentioned that Jannika, the bookstore manager, ran the group.

  That was what jangled her.

  How many women could have the name Jannika? Could it be the Jannika she knew eighteen years ago when she was a Girl Scout camp counselor at Camp Pine Knoll? She’d be what? Thirty-five? The thought of a grown-up version of Jannika made Lee’s palms sweat. She couldn’t remember the last time that happened.

  Just thinking about camp took her down memory lane. She’d taken the camp counselor job right out of college—winters, she’d worked at Sunday River ski resort, and summers at several Girl Scout camps in western Maine. Then a friend of her mother’s told her about an opening for a state park ranger at Durkee State Park in the Casco Bay area. That job had been love at first sight—for seventeen terrific years. Time flew. She sighed and rubbed her knee. Her new position as the park manager at Watts Lake State Park was an opportunity to work more closely with people who loved the outdoors. Plus, she was in charge of a staff again. Lee liked to be the one making the decisions and setting the tone at her park.

  She drove down the long dirt driveway to the farmhouse. The maples were almost at peak color. There were a few leaf peepers out on the road here and there, but by next weekend she would have to use the back roads. She’d rather be on the road a bit longer, than be behind some flatlanders taking pictures and weaving all over the road.

  She brought the groceries in and unloaded the wooden signs that her permanent staff helped put in the back of her truck this morning. Some routing work and paint would freshen them up. The physical labor would take her mind off the What if it is Jannika? question that circled her brain again and again like a kid’s toy racetrack car.

  ***

  Customers piled into the bookstore Monday afternoon like it was a tourist stop. Jannika helped them find what they were looking for and tried to figure out which book they wanted when
they described it.

  “That blue book. The one with the blue cover and some mountains on it, I think. It might be new. I don’t know.” The woman fluttered her hand around her face like she was fending off mosquitoes.

  “Did you see it online? Or on TV?”

  “I think it was on one of those morning shows. The author is that woman who does that talk show about health? It’s on in the afternoons.”

  “Is that the woman who talks about food and nutrition and the brain?”

  “Yes.” The customer perked up. “And how you can improve cognitive function with what you eat.”

  Jannika smiled while she groaned inside. “We don’t get a lot of new books in the store, but I could try to find the title for you, and you could order it at Little River Books in Dover, or online. We might have something else for you, though.”

  “You mean, you don’t have new books?”

  “Once in a while a customer will bring us a new book, but usually we don’t—we’re a used book store. But I can show you a few other books like hers if you’d like.”

  “Sure. I’m already here.”

  “Come with me.” Jannika brought the woman down the center aisle and pointed to a group of books on the top shelf of one of the bookcases. “Here they are. I’ll get these down for you and you can take a look at them.” Jannika passed two of the books to the woman.

  “Oh God. These are perfect! I didn’t know there were other books like this. Are there more?”

  “Only one more.” Jannika handed the woman the book and saw Sarah coming up the aisle.

  “Vicki is here. She wants to see if you need anything for tonight,” Sarah said.

  “Can you please tell her everything is all set for the Purple Tent book group. I’ve got next month’s books set aside, but I’m busy right now. Tell her I’ll see her tonight. Thanks.” Jannika turned back to her customer.

  “I want all of these. Where do I pay you?”

  “Right at the big desk,” Jannika said motioning to the front of the store. “I’ll be right there.” On her way up, she was stopped briefly by a couple who wanted dog training books. When Jannika got to her desk, Sarah was busy ringing up a short line of people who clutched their finds. Jannika loved watching people treasure-hunt in the store.

  Jannika knew used book stores were closing all over the country. People liked the convenience of choosing books online. But she thought nothing compared to spending an hour or two in a bookstore, new or used, and browsing until that special book called out to you to pick it up and take it home. She was glad there were still people who felt the same way she did.

  As Sarah waited on the last customer, Jannika glanced down the four aisles of the store and went to the back to break down the table displays and make sure there were no stragglers or nappers. She checked the little children’s book alcove on the left and the reading corner on her right with its comfy chairs.

  “I’m grabbing the orphans,” Jannika called. She picked up stray books that customers had left around the store.

  “I’ve got the door,” Sarah replied.

  “Thanks, I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are always so patient with everyone who comes in the store.” Jannika put her armful of books on the desk.

  “I love my job, and I love my boss. You have the best energy of any boss I’ve ever had,” Sarah said. She swung her backpack on. “’Night, Jannika.”

  “Good night Sarah, see you tomorrow.” She wasn’t sure how many bosses Sarah could have had in her twenty-six years but smiled at the sentiment.

  Jannika turned over the Closed sign and locked the door again. She popped her leftover black bean and sweet potato burrito into the microwave and grabbed several folding chairs from the closet near her desk area. She used her leg to push the display tables near the reading corner to the side and set up the metal chairs. She pushed the three ever-popular stuffed chairs from the reading corner to complete the circle for the book group. Then she ate her supper and finished preparing for tonight.

  She rarely sat still anymore, even for a meal, even though she knew she would get a stomachache from all that moving and eating. Sitting still meant thinking, and thinking these days meant thinking about her ex, Joanne.

  But she was looking forward to tonight. This was her group, the Purple Tent book group. She’d reached out to a local lesbian support group when she first came to town and invited them to start a book group. Members came from all over the Seacoast area. Nina and Lauren drove north from Newburyport, Massachusetts, when they weren’t traveling. Everyone else was from New Hampshire. They brought food to share, talked about whether deodorant caused breast cancer, who in the group actually ate kale, and what wine went with trifle. They also talked a little about that month’s book. Like most book clubs, there was always a bit of tension between those who wanted to spend more time talking about the book and those who wanted to socialize. Their laughter was a prescription for Jannika’s heart.

  Jannika cast a glance at the clock on the wall behind her desk and saw someone already at the door. She grabbed her keys and let in Paula and Priscilla—or the two peas, as they were known. These two warm, generous women were like two peas in a pod.

  “Nick, you look fantastic as always,” said Paula.

  “Look at her hair—wouldn’t you love to have your fingers in that hair?” said Priscilla.

  “Pris, the only fingering of hair by you will be done to me,” Paula said, tossing her nonexistent long locks.

  Jannika and Priscilla laughed and Paula leaned in to Priscilla for a kiss. These two women gave Jannika something to hope for. When she watched them, together for eighteen years and married for six, she saw everything she wanted in a relationship.

  The door behind Jannika opened, and the rest of the book group came through the door in a cacophony of sound, carrying tinfoil wrapped pans and bowls.

  “Brownies!”

  “Soup—where is the plug for this Crock-Pot, Nick?”

  “I’ve got sandwiches.”

  “And I brought a friend who is new tonight,” Hannah said. “Everyone, this is Lee. She just moved here. And she’s even read the book. Even though it was a big one. What was The Paying Guests, about a thousand pages?”

  “Five hundred and seventy-six. But I would do even more for Sarah Waters,” Paula shouted from across the store.

  “You’d do Sarah Waters,” Pris yelled back.

  Jannika smiled. And Lee chuckled.

  As a chorus of Hi Lees came from the women at the front of the store and the back, something about the woman tickled the files in Jannika’s brain. Lee looked like she could be on the cover of Outdoor Woman. The hiking boots, jeans, and muscled thighs made Jannika take a longer look than she usually gave most strangers. Above the jeans, under a navy quilted vest, she wore a long-sleeve cotton jersey under a button-down maroon shirt with the sleeves rolled halfway up her lightly tanned forearms. Her face had seen some weather, and Jannika felt her breath catch. This woman was gorgeous.

  Several women hung their jackets on the coat rack at the front of the store, exchanging dishes with each other as they did. They laughed and played pass the pans. It didn’t make any sense, but it had happened on the first book group night and was now a ritual.

  Jannika couldn’t shake the feeling she knew Lee, and her mind kept shuffling her memory deck of possibilities. Where could they have met? But more than that, her body had the visceral feeling she got when she was near an ex-lover, the little physical buzz of one body knowing another body. Why was that happening? She knew she would remember if she had made love to this woman—she was striking. Her arms and legs were lean and strong, and she had shoulder-length golden-brown hair. Lee looked like someone who either climbed rocks or lifted them for a living. Jannika’s heart beat faster and the buzz of recognition wouldn’t stop.

  “Jannika?”

  Hannah was waiting expectantly for her to answer a question. A question she hadn’t heard.

  “Oh gosh, sorr
y. What were you asking?”

  “Never mind. Let’s get our chairs.”

  “Should we discuss the book first, then eat? Or eat and discuss the book?” Jannika asked.

  “We tried that before,” Pris noted. “If we eat first, we never talk about the book.”

  “I’m pretty hungry,” Hannah said.

  “Then I guess we’ll eat first. First let’s have Lee introduce herself, and we should do the same.” Priscilla sighed.

  The rest of the women found chairs and sat down in the small circle. They looked at Lee.

  “Hi, everyone. Thanks for letting me tag along with Hannah. My name is Leslie Thompson, but my friends call me Lee. I’ve known Hannah since we were in college in Maine. When I told her I had the opportunity to be stationed in New Hampshire, she said, Come on down. I was a park ranger in Maine and moved down about two months ago to manage a park near here, Watts Lake State Park.”

  Vicki and Linda nodded their heads in recognition.

  “Nick, I mean Jannika’s from Maine,” Linda said. “We all call her Nick, well, everyone but Hannah. She likes to use everyone’s full given name.”

  Laughter rippled around the circle.

  Jannika’s ears rang and a stampede of wild horses filled her heart. It couldn’t be that Leslie. The Leslie she had the huge crush on at camp. Leslie the Girl Scout camp counselor. That was eighteen years ago. The summer after she turned seventeen. The room seemed to tilt a little then right itself. Jannika looked over at Lee.

  Lee beamed a smile across the room and gave what Jannika thought was a nod of recognition. Jannika heard the sounds of the book group discussion but the words floated around and past her like dandelion puffs. She tried to look like she was listening to the conversation, but her mind went back to that summer, comparing that Leslie to this Lee who sat across the circle from her. This woman who had her legs stretched out in Jannika’s bookstore. This woman who just laughed at something the Two Peas said.

  “I’m ready for some grub,” Hannah said.

  “Count me in.” Linda launched herself out of her chair and toward the food table.